- MUSINGS AT MANSA
- But, you see, I feel dirty and worthless. The guilt is unbearable. I am responsible for the break-up.
- S sat opposite me, weeping and tearing away the tissues. She had gone through a messy divorce after 18 months of marriage. This was our second meeting, and she was on treatment for depression for the past few months. As she had shifted town, she had come to me to continue her treatment. She was sceptical about the treatment and counselling, and doubted if anyone really understood her feelings. I could see the self-blame and excess self-criticism taking a toll on her health and work. This is a pattern I quite often see after a break-up…a game of blame and guilt between the partners.
- I had tried helping her by rationalizing the emotions, but it was not leading us anywhere.
- Me: S, can we go off track for a while? Have you heard of this saying in marathi…” kawla basayla ani phandi tutayala ekach vel zali” She nodded and looked at me quizzically.
- Me: Can u tell me the meaning of it.
- S: That it was a coincidence that the crow sat and the branch broke.
- Me: So, can we postulate what could have caused the branch to break?
- S: Maybe it was weakened by whittling, some disease process of the tree, or was already partially broken.
- Me: RIGHT!.
- S: but still the crow caused the final break RIGHT!!.
- Me: So let’s look at it with a twist…the crow sat and the branch broke. A gardener below, tending to the garden. accused the crow of causing the break and, a few if his colleagues witnessing it, also said that it caused the branch to break. Now what would happen if the crow believed this and the gardener held firm to his accusation?
- S: If the crow believes the accusation, then it will have a false idea of its strength. As for the gardener, he will fail to look at what is wrong with the tree.
- Me: So would I be right in saying that both stand to lose with this approach.
- S: of course!!
- Me: Then now let’s look at this way. You are the crow, the broken branch was your relationship and the gardener is your Ex. Can you put things into perspective now?
- S seemed to get the point …asking me to elaborate on it further.
- Me: Most likely the relationship hit a hurdle because of the expectations each of you had from each other. Your personality styles and ineffective communications strained it to a breaking point. Your anger and threat to him was the last straw and he called it off……putting the entire blame on you. You both could have focused on seeking professional help then to ease out the strain and later to work out the differences and communications. But he acted like the gardener and you are acting like the crow.
- As I was speaking, I could see her relaxing, and she finally had a small smile on her face.
- S: Is it really this simple?
- Me: we always have to be balanced in our views, and not stick to one end…
- S turned up after a month with a different set of issues but with more eagerness now. ” If only I knew how to simply things, I could have saved a lot of time…thanks for the way you approached my guilt, Doctor Ninad Baste ..Today I want to discuss about……
Dr. Ninad Baste
DR. NINAD BAST, MBBS MD [Psychological Medicine]
Affiliations: Maharashtra Medical Council [registration no.: 2003/03/1356], Pune Psychiatry Association, Indian Psychiatry Society, Bombay Psychiatry Society.
A desire to understand patients' needs in their illness phase and help them through it led Dr. Ninad to specialize in psychiatry after completing his MBBS. He earned his MD in psychological medicine from Mumbai's prestigious Seth GS Medical College. His special areas of interest are neurocognitive medicine, sexual medicine, marital counseling, and personal counseling.
He held the post of president of the Indian Psychological Society [IPS-Pune Chapter] for the year 2017–2018. Dr. Ninad was also a postgraduate guide and an associate professor at Smt. Kashibai Navale Medical College and a general hospital. He has worked on the editorial board of the Annals of Indian Psychiatry, which is the official journal of the IPS-West zone.
He has been a faculty member for various conferences and a member of the organizing committees of some conferences held in Pune.
